After struggling for years with anxieties and fears that I thought was normal and what I deserved, I am now finally free from it all thanks to David through Hypno-Analysis. Originally I came to see David about losing weight, when in reality I didn’t need to lose weight. It was all in my head about how I felt about myself; I could not stand NOT being PERFECT.
At my first consultation I explained to David I had a skin-picking obsession, which again was normality to me and was all I knew for over 15 years. After an in depth down to earth conversation I opened up more and indulged in telling David about how I felt about myself. I hated who I was; I always felt guilty for little things and always look into things far too much by creating stories in my head that were not true. I skin picked because I felt ugly and it made me feel good whilst doing it, kind of therapeutic, only to feel so ashamed after the bubble was burst and realised the mess I made on my face. I stayed in for months without leaving the house because I felt so hideous.
I now know that this was self-harm and I was punishing who I was and never knew why. I think sometimes it was an excuse to not have to leave the house as I found social situations difficult and people were so intimidating to me. The ritual was I suppose a way of avoiding the real world, as I could not stand people to see me weak.
I had endured years of tablets for depression and anxiety and been to see a number of counsellors, but no one ever cared like David did. I was just a number to the NHS services that I had explored since the age of 17. I was fed up with choking back all the prescription drugs to mask over the problem I never knew existed.
I always felt I had to prove myself to others as I felt who I was wasn’t good enough, in a way putting on an act to impress to sugar coat my issues. I had a bad network of friends, friends for the sake of being liked, no substance or depth. Desperate times lead to desperate decisions. I had tinted glasses on and I couldn’t see what was in front of me.
My life was being controlled by a bottled up experience I had when I was younger. I had no idea of what it could be and was surprised when I found out what was driving all these symptoms I had. I was so insecure, suffered badly with OCD; I had little respect for myself and always felt like a failure. At times I wished I wasn’t alive but never had the courage to take my own life, instead I went on the path of self-destruction through drugs. Drugs took me to a place where I could escape and lose touch of what it was like to be me, drugs gave me the confidence I could never find. I felt safe and didn’t realise I was in so deep until mentally and physically I started to struggle. If I would have carried on the way I did I would of been dead, I had so many wake up calls and I was running out of lives.
I'd say I am 27 and I have just started living now, it has taken me a while to find myself, but eventually I did get there and no amount of counselling or drugs can release the bottled up experience I was holding onto. I think myself lucky, as there are some people who do not have a clue why they suffer every day.
I was lucky that I met David out of chance or what I call meant to be, but lucky enough to want to change. I could of carried on all my life struggling the way I did, pretending I was happy to please others and always living in fear of rejection.
The human brain is very intelligent and when the subconscious thinks it's protecting you it is actually holding you back, some people say it's best not to remember things. I think the symptoms are worse than the experience and to be able to deal with what the experience is and let go is one of the most challenging but achievable moments of my life. To suffer in silence is very lonely, and to realize it's not my fault is an amazing feeling.
I wake up and enjoy the reflection, I even walk differently, I no longer slouch or hold my head down, my eye contact is firmer, my body language is more comfortable and not twitchy and I hear and see things differently. I feel like I have started to walk again and I exploring all of my capabilities. I am now proud to be who I am which is very refreshing to say the least, because it doesn’t feel that long since I was visited by the impossible.
Therapy is no way or means easy, but it’s the last hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your life, because after therapy it's onwards and upwards. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I have the odd bad day or feelings of doubt, but I can now put a theory behind them feelings and use it with my power to snap out of it and not make that feeling last months or even years. I think that them bad days happen once in a wile just to show me how far I have come, as I used to feel that dreaded feeling every day. I believe I am always learning new things about myself and I still have some way to go, but I understand things now. I feel sorry for the little girl inside who had her innocence taken away so young.
I believe everything happens for a reason, I am now excelling at university and have been told by my tutor that she is expecting a first class honors degree from me. My life experience has given me so much determination and motivation to do well within my studies and career to provide a better future for my family. I now have better friend networks and I am closer to my family than I have ever been and most important closer to myself. For the first time I can say I love myself.
I DID IT
Thanks David